Well. I’m not going to lie. I’m kinda finically fucked. I just found out that I had engine malfunction in my Japanese Car that is going to cost me well over 1800 dollars. Yes that’s right! I’m talking about good oh American Green Cold Cash. If only life would be kind to me and convert that to Pesos. But please. Allow me to remove my cranium right out of my own cocoa starfish. Back to the point, yours truly here needs to come up with a way to become Jay Z ballerish. For those who know me, which I’m guessing most of you don’t, I’m not quite the typical numeric genius my Asian Bloodline has been blessed with. What i’m trying to say without beating around the bush as much as I do, is that I’m not wise with currency. Sometimes I wish I was jewish…not talking about Ron Jeremy Jewish too…though I would invest in being an underwear model if that were the case.

Okay..here is where I’m going with this. I’m just conversing with two of my comrades right now…not at this moment. Okay more like fifteen mins ago. But that’s besides the fact. I was thinking about ways to come up with money. You know how they have these online dating sites for Christians such as Eharmony.com and Match.com. I was thinking about why not make a site for people who have “lets hear the drum roll” Aids. I’m not talking about Johnson and Johnson neither. I’m talking about low white blood cells Freddie Mercury Aids. The Magic Johnson special. Its the San Francisco Treat like Rice O Roni. On this Website you can find other people who have Aids and you can do whatever what you’re low blood celled heart desires. It’s not like you can get a different level of Aids or get Aids again. So this means you can have all the unsafe sex you want. I say people with Aids need love too…but from one another. Thinking of all kinds of names I have decided to call it www.BandofAids.com. Sure you might have less then a month to live, but hey atleast you can leave you’re mark or teeth marks on somebody’s else’s penis or vulva without feeling like Scott Peterson, a damn Murderer!

So please refrain from stealing my glorious ideas for I am a entrepreneur in the making, and just Watch. I’m going to be DEAD rich.

Its been a while world or shall I say to you poor saps who came upon this damn site. I’m probably on my last leg right now. More than likely this bed that I’m laying on right now is my death bed. I wonder sometimes on why I bought black sheets. It’s baffling because I drool when I sleep. Its like if I have friends over I want them to notice the big white stains on my sheets. Which I mind you might confuse a lot of people into thinking some God awful things that happens on this bed.  I’m surprised that I am even allowed to even have a website to talk shit when common sense eludes me. I have a concept of no consequences like I was a damn baby at times. For instance, I found a skittle in my car the other week…one single skittle. It was crammed in between my drivers seat. As I was digging for quarters I came upon this skittle and I ate it. Yes that’s right. I consumed that delicious purple mother fucka. The bad part was…you guys probably guessed it…I’ve sat on it. Besides the point of my yellow ass sitting on the sugar nugget I consumed, the worst part was that I haven’t bought skittles in over a year. Not only did I nursed the skittle for year like a mother hen, I ate something that my ass was warming up three hundred and sixty five days rain or shine.

Okay so that you guys know my tendencies, let’s fast forward into the near future. The near future as in today. My brother bought me  tacos last night. My refrigerator is filled with all kinds of marvelous stuff. By marvelous I mean just garbage of useless shit that Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t dare consume. So these magical tacos were left out all night. Left out of the cold box that would have given more life to them. I woke up in the break of dawn…I ate four out of five of the tacos. Nothing happened to me. I went off to work and didn’t come home till 10 hours later. I was starving due to the fact I just burned off 831 calories. Obscure number..I know. Anyways I played my luck and saw the last taco sitting there…My dumb ass decides to eat it without heating it. Nothing happened right away of course. Ten minutes later my stomach begins to start humming the beat to 50 cent’s In Da Club. Then all of sudden all hell breaks lose in my stomach. I’ve been told it’s probably a bacteria that I let loose in my gut. Thinking to myself..it might have been a bacteria eh? So flashing through my mind I remember the Listerine Commercials. You know…Listerine kills 99 percent of the germs and gum disease known as gingivitis. As in Gingivitis I don’t mean redheads. So I figured alchol kills bacteria. Captain Genius here, the Sarcastic Mr. Richie drinks a quarter bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey  in attempt to disarm the mexican madness that rocked my stomach raw. Let’s see if my hunch serves me right tomorrow.

Let my Asian Ingenuity reign supreme for I shall be called The Sarcastic Dr. Richie.

One Score and Seven Years Ago, my father brought me into a world filled with rice and noodles. The heritage that is bestowed upon me is that of what you guys would call a “Charlie”. The Charlie is a slang for which many Americans during the Vietnam War or Stanley Kubrick’s film Full Metal Jacket would call a Vietnamese. Being born and raised in Oakland threw all kinds of funky shit into my social soul one would say. The Asian Culture is indeed an interesting one and allow me to touch bases with you on the jest of it. It is true, we do not bleed platelet and cells but in fact we bleed sweet savory soy sauce. One can say we all have Kikkoman’s running in our veins. So with in mind, please fill free whenever you are in a restaurant and you come across a bland Egg Foo Yung, just flag down you’re favorite oriental man of your choice and feel free just to cut him and have him bleed over your now improved tasty dinner. But isn’t Egg Foo Yung a Chinese course and I’m Vietnamese? Does it fucking really matter? We are all Chinese no matter what. Vietnam, Japan, Korea and Thailand…are all just providence of China. You should take a Geography class if you believe I am lying.

The benefits of being Asian allows us to view the whole world in Widescreen. That’s right while you guys are all spending money on all these 1080 p Samsung Widescreen, Moi right here gets it for free. Thank you Jesus for the wonderful birth right. Another benefit is we are all good at math. Indeed, people complain about the UC’s being out numbered by Asian’s due to affirmative action, but let’s face it. Besides being really amazing at doing back flips we are implanted with a calculator chip in our brains. Wouldn’t it be nice to see your Macbook Pro performing a roundhouse kick on you’re local school bully? Those karaoke loving bastards earned the right to attend U.C. Berkeley. It’s not only beneifical on being an Asian as well, there are benefits of knowing asian people as well. How is this the case you ask? Let me explain in a few simple examples. If you’re city is over populated by stray cats and dogs? Who do you call? Ghostbusters? No way. Just phone in you’re local dishwasher or laundry master and make it apparent that there are tons of animals around. In the next morning you might find Roover’s dog bowl still full of food. Do you have an old  Mazda Miata that you want to get rid of and need insurance fraud? Let Mr. Chan take it out for a joy ride, and pray that you have Asian Insurance on that bad boy and expect to receive your check for that Hummer you always wanted. All the Virgins out there…oh yah cuz we all know all the girls are virgins these days. You ladies are as common as unicorns. If you are worried about you’re first time and are in fear of it hurting…why not try an Korean? They’ll get you ready and broken in for you’re honeymoon. Please don’t take this as invitation from me. I’m partially black where it counts and my girlfriend would Lorraina Bobbit the fuck out of me.

Now that you know, and knowing is half the battle says the G.I. who burned down my village in The Nam. Take you’re mighty fine knowledge of the Asian Persuasions and apply for a human resource position and include this Chapter as a part of you’re education.

Thank You for all the hundreds of millions of dollars you guys donated to the Japan Relief.

Living in my community there are certain individuals that just tick my tock. So this doesn’t tie into my regular chapters hence the title not having a chapter number, hence these will be called a Special. These specials are rants for the people on my shit list. Sure nobody likes a person who complains, I’ll try to keep it as short as this guys dick.

WARNING: This is not GENERAL but regarded for one person.

Do you find yourself alone on a friday night roaming bar to bar trying to find some friends to hang out with? Do you pretend to write poems to make yourself seem like you are more intelligent than you are? Is your description of a Ménage à trois befriending two girls who are already dating…each other. Let’s be honest, desperation is a stinky cologne and you are in dire need of a life change. If you are 22 years old and above and have not felt the soft skin of a woman yet, it’s understandable that you throw yourself all over girls. Breast feeding doesn’t count as going to second base. If you consider that scoring, then you my friend might be a little sick in the head. The Sarcastic Mr. Richie is going to display his talents as a love Guru just to help you out. That’s right, take it from me. I have a beautiful blue eyed girlfriend with and we are interracially dating. Yah that’s right INTERRACIALLY DATING. I didn’t even have to go through the trouble of drugging her or getting her drunk.  What’s the secret you say?  Its doesn’t require that you should make friends with everybody you come across. Having a high friend count on facebook isn’t going to impress any lady. It’s not going to appear that you’re are more popular than you really are. Its also not going to increases the chances of you getting laid too. Especially when you’re going to run the same line to every single woman you come across. My tip for you is to be sincere and not throw you’re self in the open like that. No need to pretend not to be straight edge anymore to start drinking socially just because you want to fit in. Shit while I’m at it, no need to pretend to be straight too. Just instead try not to be a lurking creep with a horrible rat tail. Well I’m glad I got that off my chest without putting any names out.

Here ye, Here ye “Sounds of trumpets in the air”. Hope that got your attention. It should since it was the first line of the sentence. It’s interesting to see all these Judgement Day ads everywhere. Especially with the whole 2012 thing coming up. We have some mighty fine natural disasters. I’m not going to really  get into the whole who’s religion is right. Not going to get into the whole about how the Mayans are dead on. I swear , those fuckers would end up stopping their calendar on my birthday. In the month of December at 2012 at exactly 9 am..Yah those mother-son-of- a-clit- stops…had the nerve to decide that I will die the day I came out of my mom’s vagina covered in all types of glitter and shit. Phew!! Boy was that a mouth full. If the world were to end and if people gave a rat’s butt hole about this ordeal, wouldn’t that cause people all over the world to do some pretty out of character type of things. For one, writing a blog about it…ohhh geez I guess I got caught up in all the hype and propaganda myself. Guessed I lost some hip points for doing what everybody else is doing. Any who, before we were rudely interrupted by the A.D.H.D., we were talking about some out of character types of behavior. You would think that all the wonderful criminals would repent and give their lives back to Jesus. On the other hand, would we see all the wholesome Christians/ Jews/Catholics loosen up a little bit and do all the sinful things that they have held back from all those years. Because all in the end, it doesn’t matter to them right? They are all saved all no matter what…Well maybe all the Jews won’t because they don’t believe in Jesus. Perhaps all the Muslims, and people in the Middle East, India would just be open out honest with everybody…and to finally  just admit they are all Mexicans. Brown Power! Yah..you guys who read my previous articles are like…”where’s the racist punchline?” People these days take themselves way too seriously. Maybe this whole world ending shit is beneficial because it would require people to think about life. It would require them to think about how they treat people. It would require them to think about letting go and just live life. It would require them to think about how stupid thinking about all this whole 2012 shit and how foolish it was for them to read this damn chapter. Yah thats right! I’m pointing at you! Anyways I say fuck it, if the world is going to end, just rack up your credit cards, because shit…..you wouldn’t have to owe anybody if you’re in hell. With that I hope you sleep well.

So many of my friends knows that I’m somewhat a huge sports fan. After all i did grow up in Oakland. What did I mean by that? You know Oakland is full of sports fans right? You were probably assuming that Oakland was full of black people. Knowing all black people, they love sports right? You my friend….are a racist. Just like a Jew I am going to save my two pennies on racism for another chapter. Anyways back to the topic. So I am a huge Lakers fan, San Francisco Giants and 49ers fan as well. I guess by staring at me, one may not assume I am into sports as much as I am. But I have to have some masculinity to me. I like to call that my spark of douchebaggatery, even if that isn’t a real word. Its the level of feeling macho by the action of watching a group of men sweating over one ball. Most of these sports include smacking of each other’s ass cheeks to affirm that “Hey Kobe, nice dunk”. There might be a fine line between homosexuality and sports. Maybe its the escape into the abyss of bi-curiosity. At work, I look at my co-workers as a team. So is it wrong to go up to them and smack one in the cheek for performing great customer service? So its all of the sudden gay because I’m not wearing a jersey? Its something my asian mind cannot comprehend. Surely I do not do that to the ladies that work there because hey….that’s an instant invite to the managers office to speak to Human Resource. Besides my beautiful girlfriend would have my flesh ping pong balls handed to me.  Moral of the story is, its only okay for another man to grope a guy when you are representing a sports team. So for all the locals in the Castro District, please no smacking of my yellow booty from unless you’re wearing a Hockey Mask. That might force me to shit the cat I ate for dinner, but I’ll understand I took it for the team. Thank you for your consideration. The Sarcastic Mr. Richie.

So welcome to the anger chapter. This is the a story of good willed people who took a stranger under neath their own wings, only to be butt raped and taken advantage of. It truly feels like I am Edward Norton in American History X. It’s amazing to be living in a world when people with no ambition are sucking the very essence of your life. I’m talking about freeloading moochers who are just doing jack shit and wasting valuable space. Don’t get me wrong, people deserve to have a shot in life to live and be prosperous. I understand that some people are born with a disadvantage. Maybe you were born black, chinese, or with one leg. But man if you are given a shot, especially being born into an Urban society, why not take advantage of it and better your life. Not literally taking advantage of the system and other’s hard work. So there is this Swiss kid named Pierre who miraculously came out of no where like Jesus Christ. But the difference is he didn’t pop out of Mary’s womb, and his mom was probably defiantly not a virgin. But then again, who’s mother is a virgin?  Maybe his mom hit the pipe with him burry into the very pit of her tummy. Anyways to make the long story short he ran a story about how he ventured half way across the world to find love. Apparently, he made his way into Modesto, California from Switzerland to visit this Youtube celebrity that lives around this part. In all honestly the story sounds pretty romantic right? Especially with him creeping his way into her life without her knowing. I might have not passed the bar, but I think that might be a small case of stalking? Anyways to cut a long story short, he told everybody that all his shit was stolen from crashing out on a local park. Apparently his wallet and passport was stolen. So taken that into consideration, he told the community of people in this city his story. My friends gave him a place to stay, fed him, until he found a way of getting back home. I even took the liberty out of my cold heart to give him some clothes and even bought him food. Can you believe that? I actually gave a shit.  Two weeks later, he’s still around town. It doesn’t seem like he’s desperate to find a way back home doesn’t it? He never made a pit stop at an local embassy. I’m sorry buddy, but your story is as fishy as a Kim Kardashian’s Persian taco. I really hope you enjoy your life and catch a mild case of the clap. If I wasn’t such a kind hearted person, I would have called you in to the immigration and you’ll mooch a free flight back home, aka deportation. The moral of the story is, moochers, bums and hustlers should all be deported back to Switzerland for the injustice of allowing a horrible piece of shit like Pierre to leave your chocolate loving country.

So in celebration of Cinco De Mayo, why not start a piece for the glorious day. The glorious day that we tribute the fine specimen we call the Chicano Mexicano. Oh yes! The latin sensation that took California by storm. Living in California, one would find it hard to imagine of not running into these fine creatures. But did you know….that California would not be California without these dark skinned delightful critters. Many of us have seen that Documentary A day without the Mexican…well at least I hope most of us did. Well if not, then please pick up a copy at your local, or shall I say loco Red Box. <—Pun intended. Besides that fact, the women are fertile and make excellente surrogates for those who lack an oven if you know what I’m saying. They offer us many wonderful commodities. Such as Tequila, Chili Powder Mangoes, Mayo Parmesan Cheese Corn on the Cobb, Tacate, and my favorite The Dirty Sanchez. They also believe in higher education, many of them majoring in the custodian arts. Living in California, there is a higher chance that you will learn another language from the Mexican. Yes, words such as puta, pendejo, chinga tu madre. These words will get us further in life. Its funny how these are the first words we tend to learn. Ladies, they are also good for your self esteem, how many times have you encountered whistling or honking as you are strolling down the street from these charmers? Enough times to make you feel like a super model one would imagine. But I would like to tilt my hat aka Sombrero, to the hard workers who many of us forget present us with local produce, oranges on the back of the truck, and cleaner houses. Feliz Cinco De Mayo.

So when the brain is on fart mode. What to do, what to do. The best way to get things off of one’s chest is to be a negative nancy in my personal opinion. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not always a joyful guy as most people would tend to think. But sometimes having a 27 year old man’s mind with a 14 year old Asian’s girls face will falsify that I am always cheerful. But to be quite honest, nothing gets me off and wild up like watching people suffer. Sure why not? Right? I mean its way easier to laugh at other’s expenses to raise your self esteem. Thats the fast way to losing friends my mother would always tell me.  Its like the concept of being in elementary, middle school and high school. Everybody and I mean it.. Everybody loves see a fight. No matter how much of a saint you think you are, You are probably the first one to scream fight and the first one to instigate it. The crowds gather, and I shit you not, one time I had a keyboarding teacher shove me out to the way get a better view. In that moment of madness watching some girl getting her weave pulled out, you are in total delight.  Search your feelings, because you know it to be true. So the moral of this story is, if you are having a shitty day….Why not grab a fat greasy In and Out Burger and rush to your local Curve’s or Jenny Craig. Consume it in front of all the insecure people who are desperately trying to lie to themselves that they are going to be as remotely skinny as they were when they were infants. Its going to lighten up your day. I challenge you.

Or not so much humble,  Especially when one declares to start a blog. Nothing screams me me me than a blog. Maybe its a scream for attention. The attention that not displayed to me when I was a child. Maybe I wasn’t breast fed enough. Maybe I was breast fed for too long. Just like the damn owl from the Tootsie Pop Commercial during the days of our youth would say. The world will never know. The thing we call a blog is a perfect mask to hide behind, especially if people cannot place a face to the not so thought out opinions of the writer. So if offend you with the shit that comes out of here, then you can find me at 98th avenue East Oakland, I’ll make sure to meet you there, but do me a favor so I know who you are. Wear tons Red or Blue and wave down some bandanas. You’ll be noticed for sure. Pardon me for my lack of focus or lack of a better word. I am as focused as Michael J. Fox performing a steady open-heart operation.